Return of the Jedi - What really happened on the Forest Moon

Endor put back his shot, grimacing as it burned all the way down, then slammed the tiny glass on the counter and offered George a wink. He then turned back to Tarfang and finished the joke he was telling.

"...and then Mace Windu turns to Master Yoda and says, that's no wookiee, that's my wife! Har har har har!"

The older currently unaffiliated Jedi let out a chortle and slapped his knee, laughing hard at the joke he had told a million and one times. Behind the bar, George rolled his eyes and found another mug to hand clean with a dirty rag.

Sobering up, Endor turned and scowled at Tarfang.

"Ah, come on, buddy. It's just a joke, it doesn't need to make total sense. Also, you've been telling me for years that your cousin is a wookiee, but I still don't know how that's even possible. You're going to have to explain that one to me."

"One day me and the lads are out hunting for some boar-wolf. You ever had boar-wolf? What am I saying, of course you have. It's delicious. Only thing is, to catch one you need a really big net, like huge. So me and the boys on the hunting party string together the biggest net you could imagine, set a perfectly laid trap and everything. Some of our finest work actually. So anyways, there we are waiting in the bushes for a boar-wolf to show up and walk into our trap, when a couple of off-worlders decide it would be a nice time for a nature hike and proceeded to walk right into our trap. The next thing me and the lads know, instead of a delicious boar-wolf, we got two humans, two droids, and a wookiee swaying in the breeze...trapped in OUR net. Unbelievable, like did they have any idea how long that took to set up? Anyways, I'm mighty pissed at this point and I'm saying to the lads, let's just stick these mungos with the pointy end of our sticks. Old Logray had to even hold me back, because truth be told I was going to do it. Luckily Chirpa was there to talk me out of it. He had a better idea."

"Chirpa says to me, 'what if we bring em back to Bright Tree Village and pretend like we are gunna eat them?'. Oh man, where does this 'wok get his ideas from? But obviously we are going to do it because it's going to be hilarious. We were all having a laugh when the shorter droid uses some sort of saw gismo to cut open our net, spilling all the mungos to the ground. I just about lost it now because we had spent ages working on that net, and this tin can just goes and cuts it? So now I am out delicious boar-wolf AND a net, this day can't get any worse. Or at least that's what I thought. See, the taller of the two droids was made out of gold and happened to look somewhat similar to one of our gods. Our shaman takes one look at the droid and turns to us and says, 'hey, I think that's the sun god, guys'. Next thing you know everybody is on the ground bowing to the droid. I told em, there is no way that's the sun god, but nobody wanted to listen to me. I mean I get it, he's very shiny just like a sun god should be, but that don't make him a god. Thing is, I saw Logray drink a ton of mushroom juice that morning and that stuff is potent. He was probably on another planet at this point if ya catch my meaning."

"We bring them all back to our home in Bright Tree Village and string up the humans and the wookiee over a fire-spit. I could barely contain my laughter, they were practically pissing themselves thinking we were going to go eat them. The alleged 'god' Logray found was propped up on a chair and some of the lads were praying to him, but I don't think everyone was sold. The droid kept blathering in mungo talk, and I was like, if that's a god then how come he doesn't speak ewokese? Like think, right. Anyways, the joke is going great and we are getting near the point where we are gonna have to cut them down or else we'll really have to eat them, when Wicket comes out of his shack with a drop dead gorgeous mungo woman. I mean he's got her hair down and weaved with tribal fetishes, she's wearing this dress he had some of the ewok maidens hem, and she is looking good. I asked him, 'you tapping that?'. All he could offer in return was a wink so you know for sure he did that. Right, so anyways this lass as it turns out, is friends with the mungos we got on the spit. She starts telling the gold droid to convince us to let em go, and again, I'm like there is no way that's a god."

"All of a sudden, the droid starts floating in his chair. I'm looking around for string or some sort of wire, even a secret jetpack, but there is nothing. He was flying over top of us as though, well, I hate to say it but I think Logray was right. Turns out the droid was a god, and he's pissed. He's shouting at us to cut the mungos down, which is fair because at this point I can smell singed wookiee fur and its not a great smell. We cut them down, pat em off, and I figured that's gotta be it. Oh no, these guys tell us they are some sort of freedom fighters and they need our help to overthrow something called the Empire. I'm not very political so I've got no idea what's they are talking about, but Wicket really wanted to impress the dame and never let it be said that the lads of Bright Tree Village aren't the best wingmen in the galaxy. So reluctantly we offer to help, because otherwise its just sad. These guys would have stood zero chance. So we start getting ourselves organized, gathering up some of our most potent weapons. I'm talking sling shots, bows and arrows, spears, and of course our most devastating weapon, a rock. Sure those guys in white had blasters, but what's a blaster gunna do with an ewok on a paraglider with a rock?"

"A fight breaks out between the lads and these...Emperials? I'm still not a hundred percent sure what they were called. Anyways, shit gets crazy. We're dropping logs, throwing rocks, one 'wok even had a bolas and I'm like, where did he get that thing from? We bring a whole world of hurt on these guys in white. We lost a few good lads as well, but that can happen in a scrap of this magnitude you understand. Eventually we lay down such a beating on these guys, that the weird moon that showed up like three winters ago just goes and explodes. Like crazy, right. How does that even happen? Well, after a scrum like that the lads were pretty thirsty and felt like celebrating, so I says, lets throw one of our famous tree top parties and break out the mattberry juice. It's time to get DRUNK. We even invite the mungos back to join in on the fun, and of course they bring a bunch of friends without even asking first, but whatever. At least the hot one was still there. I kind of feel bad for Wicket though. I saw her kissing another of the mungos later on, even overheard something about her sleeping with her brother. Weird. Last time we invite outsiders to one of our jams."

"Anyways, Kneesa is out on the dance floor and she is like ten cups of mattberry juice deep. She can barely see straight. I wasn't actually watching at this point, this is just what she told me. See, Pabaloo had taken a bunch of the white fellas helmets and made a killer drum set, so I was busy jamming to that when all this was going down. Right, so Kneesa is out on the dance floor, when she sees this other ewok she's never seen before and they hit it off. They are drinking, dancing, having a right-awesome time, when she invites the fella back to her hut for a little ewok hanky-panky. They spent the whole night together making animal noises. Then the next morning comes. I'm passed out with a few of the lads near the drums, when I hear this scream coming from Kneesa's hut. A bunch of us wake up and run over there, when the wookiee that was with the mungos comes out of the hut. Kneesa, clad only in a hide blanket, comes out behind him and explained what happened. See she slept with the wookiee because at the time she thought was just another ewok. Kneesa had been so drunk she couldn't tell the difference, she just thought he was really tall. I run to the railing and puke over the side, because this is just sick."

"Later that day all the mungos leave, and frankly good riddance because we don't need all that drama. A couple weeks later we find out Kneesa is pregnant with the wookiee's child. I tell her I will find this walking carpet and make him pay her some child support, but there is a problem. The wookiee never gave his real name, and the whole time the other mungos were talking about him they used a nickname for him. They were calling him Chewie, even though that's not his real name. So we never found the guy and now my sister has to raise a wookiee as a single ewok mother. It has made family gatherings more interesting though, plus we've always got someone who can grab things off the top shelf, so it has come in handy."