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Post by Anshara on Mar 18, 2014 16:35:46 GMT -8
Terra thought about it for a moment, still not sure if they should be leaving the Temple, but if it would make Anshara feel more at ease, then maybe they could sneak off for a bit. She still needed to prepare for the upcoming mission but there was time. In the end, she decided it would be all right if they took off for a little while.
She nodded."Well...I guess we could go for a little while if you'd like. We'd better go now though." She too, noticed the pain in the Force coming from one of the patients in the infirmary, and she sighed sadly."Maybe not..." Terra doubted that she would be of much help at this point... She flashed a smile. The first bright and happy one since she got down on the ground. A sparkle of life found it's way in her eyes and out of a sudden reflex she hugged Terra. Realising that the Jedi might not be used to an emotional outburst like that she quickly let go of her again. Clearing her throat she looked everywhere but not at Terra. "Erm. Thank you. You won't regret it, I promise."Looking one last time at the boy she saw how the sedative was injected into his veins. Her hand formed into a fist but she remembered that it was not up to her to mettle with the ways of others. Maybe it was even a better way than the way she had learned to deal with death, killing and the like. The way she had learned it had been quite traumatic as far as she was aware of. She lowered her head and followed Terra out of the infirmary and the temple to a place she felt more comfortable with. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2014 5:31:20 GMT -8
Terra's eyes widened as Anshara rushed forward to embrace her, but it was only for a second and she quickly stepped back. Not wanting to make the situation any more awkward for Anshara, she opted not to say anything about it, merely smiling as she was thanked."Er...it's OK. Let's go."She turned and led Anshara out of the infirmary, then followed her to wherever this place she had in mind was.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2014 11:49:29 GMT -8
"No, no I did not," Mei replied quietly, gently pulling up his sleeve before inserting the hypo into the appropriate blood vessel in his upper arm and depressing the plunger. She knew it would take a minute or two for the drug to relax the Chiss boy and lull him back into a dreamless sleep. Setting down the used syringe, she picked up a cool cloth from the bedside table and tenderly wiped the sweat from his face and neck before readjusting the blanket over him.
As his eyes finally closed and she felt him give in to sleep she stood up and tapped her chin thoughtfully for a moment, contemplating him there, and then she added a few notes in her datapad. This time she wasn't going to let him wake himself up. Instead, she'd calculated the dosage with precise care and set her wrist-chrono for six hours.
She'd be at his side when he woke up, and perhaps her presence would make a difference. Keeping someone sedated almost constantly was not an option that appealed to her.
His thoughts were pain, anguish, despair, he felt tangled in dark weeds, weeds that wound through him. Pain, such pain. He screamed an animal like cry and in a desperate attempt to clear the thoughts away he scratched at his face, but fight them he could not, be rid of them he could not. His body trembled as his mind rewound and replayed the same scene, now not asleep, yet still incarcerated by this nightmarish scene. He clamped his hands over his ears, his eyes, but to no avail.
He ran and ran, behind him screams, gunfire, explosions and he felt the eclipsing of that vibrant warm presence; and he was all alone in the world.
How many Jedi had died? How many had become casualties of the Mandalorian Crusade and months after its marks were still prominent, Rackam would forever carry its mark. The few words that escaped his mouth as his fragile mind scrabbled to put together the pieces of shattered glass that were his life came in a whispered fervor."Mandalorians..... my Master, he...........I don't sense him." |
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
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Post by Ael Jade on Mar 19, 2014 14:48:16 GMT -8
Mei sighed.
"That is most likely because your Master has become one with the Force, Athh'rackam'ronanor," she informed him gently. While there had been many casualties in that conflict, Coruscant itself had remained mostly untouched in terms of direct consequences. Within the Temple itself it was even easier to forget that there was war and unpleasantness out in the universe. At least, until one visited the Underworld. That was a quick reminder.
"Do you remember anything from before you ended up here?" she asked the panic-stricken Chiss.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2014 12:25:05 GMT -8
His eyes filled with tears and he nodded slowly. He knew this to be the case, but hearing it spoken for the first time confirmed it clearly. Inside him he felt a great gaping chasm that had once been filled with the light and warmth now extinguished.
The loss and pain was great and his disorientation no doubt could be felt in the force, yet her question voiced in a kind tone at least provided a distraction.
"I remember the space station, I don't recall where. We were sent to capture or destroy the station. I.......I don't even know if we succeeded."
Tears fell again, gripped by sadness, for he felt there had been no point in the mission, perhaps even the war itself. Had it mattered, what had been gained. Rackam had only come away with more pain and greater injury, what if they had succeeded, destroy one pivotal point and surely the Mandalorians would have found another. So what had Master Roum been fighting for. Rackam was reminded of his lessons from the past, a Jedi was a keeper of peace and would uphold law and justice at the price of their life if need be, but now upon the opposite end Rackam thought that giving ones life hadn't turned the tide of war, and who had they been protecting, others or themselves?
His mind was not eased and he was uncertain of what he stood for, at such a young age and already in a confrontation with disillusionment.
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
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Post by Ael Jade on Mar 22, 2014 11:34:25 GMT -8
The young Healer contemplated Athh'rackam'ronanor with troubled eyes as she ran a hand ruefully through her choppy pixie cut hair. She didn't smooth it down any by this effort, if anything it was sticking out in about six extra directions now. She herself had not seen service on the front lines during the recent war as she'd been finishing her studies and passing some extra exams that she'd been set. Mei guessed at what he was feeling, and shivered involuntarily as his sense of loss and disillusionment pressed in on her own aura.
Finally, she spoke to him, and it wasn't in line with anything he'd said before.
"Are you hungry?"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2014 16:00:40 GMT -8
For a moment following her query those wild red frenzied eyes focused. Judging by his wasted muscle mass and mildly emaciated frame his body had not taken on any real sustenance for some months.
"Yes, I do eat."
He closed his eyes and attempted to touch the force, but the feeling was like sticking his arm from a broken pane and having the jagged edges pierce his flesh, he vomited and tears once more slid down his cheeks.
What was he know, a Jedi with no purpose, a Jedi who felt sick at feeling the force a Jedi filled with naught but horrific injury and pain. A Jedi?
The question hung in his mind, and he closed his mind and drew in on himself, if he were to function on at least some basic level then he needed to shut himself off, it wasn't purposeful, perhaps it was his body trying to help him to recover, but slowly if someone at that time was touching his presence they would feel it diminish until it became but a prick of light.
The thoughts, well he could do nothing for the turmoil inside his head not at the moment. What he could do though was attempt to at least put in order what he knew; his Master was dead, he had felt the shock in the force that shock had caused his past and current trauma, the Mandalorian war had taken his Master.
"What happened, the war.............?"
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
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Post by Ael Jade on Mar 24, 2014 19:43:50 GMT -8
"Is over," Mei replied quietly, helping him to a sitting posture. She gestured toward a small pile of neatly folded Jedi robes at the foot of the bed. "Those are for you. Will you require help in changing?" It was an academically precise, professional question, nothing more. Mei was convinced that some kind of getting back to normal would be necessary for him to begin recovering from his recent experiences.
"I could have food brought to you, but I think it will benefit you more to come with me, Athh'rackam'ronanor," the Healer suggested to him kindly. "You have been too long in the infirmary for your own health, and some healing cannot be done from here."
She hoped he'd listen to her even if he did not yet understand what she was getting at.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2014 14:12:14 GMT -8
He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, perhaps then some good had come, Rackam wondered what the price had been, but some questions he didn't want answered. He nodded slowly and realized that perhaps he may have been in the infirmary for some time, Mei's following words confirmed this was the case, but it could wait.
He allowed her to assist him out of bed and professionally she aided him in donning the once familiar robes, he half smiled and snorted as he looked down at the loosely fitting garments that had once fit well on a defined frame. Somehow the robes didn't quite suit him and it wasn't just that they were a size larger. He guessed he would; like with his whole recovery adapt in time, yes time they said was a healer, Rackam hoped so because there was little else for him to do.
"The.......company would be appreciated."
Lonely, yes that was the feeling and this Woman offered some source of comfort and at least a temporary companionship, being left on his own in his current state could prove to be devastating. As with the grieving process Rackam was still going through the phase of denial, guilt and mild anger.
He turned to Mai and regarded her a sudden coldness came to his tone and eyes.
"I know I shouldn't, but I hate them for taking him from me."
He looked down at the floor ashamed at such strong tamed emotion. Once a Jedi, once able to control and balance such feelings, but loss was an emotion he had never had to cope with before now and he was battling with inner demons; how could the Universe be so cruel and he blamed the Mandalorians, he blamed himself and he also blamed the Jedi Order.
The 'them' implied all of this, for it wasn't just the Mandalorians for which his hate was leveled at. How did one find peace in such a world, Rackam then felt the worst of emotions; despair.
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
Posts: 1,544
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Post by Ael Jade on Mar 27, 2014 13:57:05 GMT -8
"There are many stages of recovery, Athh'rackam'ronanor," Mei replied gently, understanding reflected in the depths of her eyes if he cared to notice. She motioned towards the doors through which he'd initially entered the infirmary, though he was not in good condition at the time of his admittance.
She paused, glancing over at him, "hate of others is only one of those steps, or stages," as they moved out into the hallways at large, she continued speaking quietly, empathizing with the vast array of emotions he was sorting through right now. "We at the Temple, and I, will do our best to help you move beyond that, if you desire it. A Jedi endeavors to avoid hate. I am not saying to simply stop hating, but over time, I think you'll find other emotions replacing it: understanding, forgiveness, and peace. But," and her eyes suddenly narrowed, "you must first find a way to forgive yourself."
The sudden silence that dropped between them was almost palpable in intensity, as she half-whispered, "for surviving." She had seen many strong Jedi cut down by their own inability to cope with survivor's guilt, in spite of the fact that nothing they could have done would have changed the outcome of the situations they were each dealing with. Mei hoped that the young Chiss would in time realize the truth behind her words, even if he was not yet able to accept them.
Realizing something belatedly, she stopped and turned to face him, a deep blush suffusing her cheeks as she held out a hand to him and introduced herself, "I'm Mei."
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2014 15:03:42 GMT -8
He rose and took the kind support she offered as he took his first shaky steps across the room, continuing to walk with Mei as his aid he listened his head cocked to one side.
He turned toward her upon feeling her eyes upon him but he need not look into her eyes to feel the compassion that flowed from her he then looked away and focused upon a spot on the wall, her words hard to listen to, but the truth always was. Yet he listened, there was no chiding, only understanding, she did not look down on him or criticise and acknowledged what Athh'rackam'ronanor was going through and the normality of the feelings. Yet she also reminded him of his calling to be a Jedi, and that hate, although a normal part of grieving was not a positive emotion, it did little to abate the feelings and nothing to appease the gloom that shadowed him.
Mei talked him through the process and what she said had a ring of clarity to it, she didn't say or expect him to cease hating but encouraged and spoke of an active replacement of the negative emotion, this made sense, however doing this, especially considering his current state was for the time being was next to impossible.
Then the hammer dropped and he inclined his head; forgiving himself would not come quickly, for as much as he may hate and blame others he blamed himself above all else at having failed in his duty to the Jedi Order and his duty to his Master, his duty was to defend and protect and he had failed in both.
Then the other words fell in a hushed whisper, words he didn't think would come, she was very perceptive and he couldn't stop his eyes from widening and in a feint voice that trembled he said.
"Why did I survive, why couldn't I save him?"
He struggled with this more than an average being, because he was a Jedi, the force was his ally, yet despite his training the young Knight had come up short of skill and power to prevent the inevitable; he stopped and Mei drew up short beside him, he let that thought sink in; there was an inevitability about what had happened, on a strategic station out in the mid rim, two Jedi against at least fifteen Mandalorians, the fact he survived was luck, skill, well he didn't know what but he had survived, however that was the problem. How was it that a fledgling Jedi Knight survived when an experience Master did not.
He turned as she offered her hand.
"I'm Athh'rackam'ronanor."
In different circumstances he would say he was pleased to meet her, but there was just too much scrambling his mind; however in time he would find that meeting Mei was the Force in action for in time he would come to recognize that she had begun his road to recovery and set him on the road to salvation and to becoming an ardent Guardian and prestigious warrior.
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
Posts: 1,544
Affiliation: Corellian Jedi Order
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Post by Ael Jade on Mar 31, 2014 18:33:19 GMT -8
Mei was glad that the young Chiss had accepted her offer of help. She didn't mind him leaning upon her arm at all, in fact, it made her job of keeping him balanced much easier. Sometimes when people refused help, it made the Healer's job trickier by placing them at a disadvantage in case of imminent catastrophe. Also, given his emotionally vulnerable state, Mei was pleased that he had come to the Jedi Temple, instead of hiding somewhere alone and hurt for anyone to find. He was probably susceptible to dark feelings at the moment, given that he had just lost his old Master, and it would not be good for him to fall in with an influential Sith.
Mess Hall
As they entered the common eating area, she noticed that it was fairly quiet for this time of day. Doubtless this would be better for Athh'rackam'ronanor though.
"Sometimes this is just how things happen. We can't always see the purpose or meaning behind it as soon as we would wish, but" she gently placed her other hand upon his resting on her arm for a moment, "you should take comfort in the fact that your old Master knew the risks he was facing, accepted them, and judged it worthy of his life in serving the Jedi Order."
Maybe he wouldn't be able to truly listen yet, but in time...Mei knew all too well that sometimes there just are no words, nothing that one can say to ease someone else's pain. In the moment, each sorrow seems personally greater than anyone else's experience. One automatically feels alone and cut off from others. She fought against that by just being there for the Chiss, right now, ready to listen if that was what he needed.
She smiled at him faintly, a bit uneasy by his red eyes, but that passed quickly. "I am glad to have met you, although, I could have wished for different circumstances."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2014 17:42:58 GMT -8
He was led by Mei through a series of corridors, she never once rushed him and when he had to stop she let him rest, he took particular time at one of the later rest points for the view was something spectacular, the corridor over looking tiered gardens, each tier themed by its flowers, tress and decor and yet each tier tied by a meandering burbling stream.
As they proceeded toward the mess hall Mei spoke some more, once again her calm level tone seemed to find resonance within Rackam.
Purpose, yes he could not see a purpose, yet Mei left it open and implied that in time he may well see his Master's death fitting some great purpose, yet this was not the case, all Rackam could see was that he had given his life and died, but for what, well Rackam wasn't as yet sure. He was also less certain that they knew risks, surely one as wise as his Master would not have gambled so foolishly, surely had he realised the risks out weighed the end goal he would not have under taken the mission. This left Rackam feeling hallow and sore, for the conclusion to this lien thought suggested his Master was not as wise as Rackam had perceived or that he had gambled both their lives, R ackam seriously doubted the first and it wasn't any misjudgment or misty eyed view. So then the second piece of reasoning; what possible outcome could be worth the life of a Jedi Master and his former pupil, not only this but Rackam hadn't known the risks, and assuming his Master did then why had he kept quiet.
He physically shook his head in an attempt to clear the tangle of thorns that were these dark thoughts, but they would not shift. He was faced for now with too many questions of which he had no answer to and of which were a most troubling nature, none of them comforted him and the further he thought the possibility increased that either Master or mission were not what they seemed, or darker still his Master and the Order had been blinded by victory however small, what ever the cost.
Rackam turned to Mei as she spoke, his brow furrowed momentarily as her speech reflected what was in his mind and he wondered how strong she was in the force, perhaps his emotional state made him easy to read, he had to admit her uncanny gift did unnerve him a little, but he could not deny her help had lent him strength.
"As do I, but they are not, only more questions do I find and there will be no peace for me until I find the solution. I can accept he gave his life to the Order based on duty alone."
Then as they moved to the food station a thought occurred to him.
"Master Sa'ikl Roum, you knew him?"
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
Posts: 1,544
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Post by Ael Jade on Apr 7, 2014 15:26:13 GMT -8
Mei had gotten from the infirmary to the mess hall much faster many times before now. When one only has a thirty minute break in the middle of a long shift, speed is necessary. And even then, she couldn't remember how many times she'd had to leave a half-eaten meal and run back to the infirmary to deal with some crisis. Oh well, this was the life she had signed up for. However, today was different and she relished that difference even though the Chiss was undergoing significant emotional distress.
She nodded in understanding as they paused just outside the mess hall proper.
"Perhaps meditation with a close friend, or failing that, a Healer, may help you find peace?" she suggested, then grinned wryly, short brown hair sticking out in all directions in spite of several hasty attempts to smooth it into order. "If you don't...uhm," she hesitated. If he'd lost his friends in the war, or---she bit her lip and continued, "I'll volunteer, if you like."
The young Healer shrugged in an attempt at nonchalance. She didn't want to seem forward or anything, but she did genuinely want to help him.
"Or maybe physical activity that occupies your mind."
Master Sa'ikl Roum? She thought about that as they moved towards the closest food station. Finally she shook her head.
"Not to speak to. But I know of him."
She knew that wasn't the answer he'd been seeking, but perhaps this would actually help him more. "If you wish to talk about him, I'm good at listening?"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2014 11:55:19 GMT -8
Rackham had hardly touched his meal and now as Mei spoke he toyed with the nerf steak pushing it around his plate his head hung low.
Could a Healer mend the wounds he carried he didn't know but as previous he did feel that the pressure that weighed so heavily upon him had eased by just being in her presence and talking to her took his mind from becoming so bombarded with the pain and living the ordeal time and again.
Did meditation lead to him reflecting upon his thoughts and feelings because of now he would rather push them aside or if he could obliterate them all together, but how could he do this, how could he stop this cycle of gloom.
"Talking helps."
It wasn't quite what she asked, but it was an honest response and he appreciated her offer. Then she spoke of the physical and he stopped toying with his food and looked up at her. He hadn't thought about that, was he ready. Would he ever be?
He sat in silence for a moment. Then he concluded that if he didn't know now then perhaps he never would until he tried it.
"What kind of activity did you have in mind?"
He studied her as she spoke briefly about Sa'ikl Roum.
Then Rackam thought about what he knew about him, with all the things that had happened he had multiple questions about who and what his Master was. To tell another was difficult. So he started with the basics.
"He was calm and I guess quite serious, gentle and compassionate, his skill and prowess......"
Rackam stopped and he hung his head, he choked back the tears.
"None of this saved him."
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
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Post by Ael Jade on Apr 13, 2014 9:28:26 GMT -8
Friendly brown eyes narrowed as the young Healer eyed her Chiss companion over her own food. "Well, I don't know. What kind of things do you enjoy?" She had meant routine activities like lightsaber forms, sparring, and perhaps other things around the Temple, whatever it took to keep him busy. She might have suggested helping out in the infirmary, but things were running smoothly there for now. And she didn't know if he was in the condition yet to be helping out the severely injured. With some recovering patients that type of thing was therapeutic. With others, it drove them deeper into the darkness. Mei didn't know Athh'rackam'ronanor well enough yet to really be able to judge his inclinations yet.
"Hey, it's better if you eat it hot," she interjected with a half-smile, pointing to the nerf steak he was playing with. Suiting her actions to her words she cut into her own steak and took a bite, listening as he went on. Though, the vagueness he started with was much the same for a lot of Jedi. She could tell that it was hard for him though. The emotions rippling off him were probably enough to kill the appetite of anyone in a twelve foot radius, but that was ok.
She took a drink of water, set her glass down, and then reached across the table and placed her hand on top of his for a moment in a comforting gesture. "And none of it is your fault, Athh'rackam'ronanor." Mei knew he couldn't accept that now, and he wouldn't for a long time, maybe ever in fact. But it was the truth.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2014 9:54:09 GMT -8
He said nothing for a minute as he thought.
A student of Master Roum he had become enlivened with the movement of practice, hard work and sweat upon his brow. He had run through saber sequence following sequence. Yet those days seemed but a distant memory, they lay in the ashes now almost buried along with the prestigious Jedi Master.
Rackam doubted he would pick up a blade soon, if he ever returned to the field of combat at all. His very love and drive and central skills too would be buried. A new life would he have to forge, for the pain was too much. The thought of such things made him feel sick, to reemerge himself in the very arts in which had been the final dance of Master Roum, no he thought not.
"What I was, cannot be. What helps is keeping busy, if I can keep my mind occupied in some way...."
He had no answer, but heeding her words he forced himself to eat a slightly cold mouthful and swallow, but he only just stomached it. He then dropped his fork with a clatter as she mentioned his dealing in the tragedy.
"How can you say that? You were not there."
He stared at her accusingly a brief flash of anger shot across his eyes, then was gone.
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
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Post by Ael Jade on Apr 24, 2014 17:17:20 GMT -8
"Well---" Mei hesitated. She didn't know the young Chis very well, but she wanted to help. "What kinds of things do you like to do? Or, if you had free control over your life, what are three things you've always wanted to see or do?"
Maybe that would give her some ideas. More importantly, it would involve him proactively in his own life and draw him away from the darker tendency to view himself as a victim of circumstances in some way responsible for the death of his former master.
She let the wave of anger roll off herself, knowing full well that it was not directed at her personally. Though, for the first time, she stumbled over his name as she was thinking of other things. "Athh'rackam'ronanor...if we were limited to things that we had only experienced personally, what a small universe we would live in. What a narrow mindset we would have. I am not you...but I am a Healer. I'm also a Jedi. I don't need to be you to see that you are in pain."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2014 3:28:47 GMT -8
It was obvious he was in pain and the reason too was obvious, somehow having this pointed out made realisation strike him to the core. He was not alone in this and Me I wanted to help shoulder some of the burden. Yet so blinded by pain everything else I'd become obscured, yet her words parted a gap in his tangled web of missery and light and truth shone through.
His mind travelled back to a memory in the gardens here. Seikl Roum and he had taken a walk around the gardens and Rackam had received instruction on the living force.
"It resides in all of us Ath'rackam'ronanor, you, me, the tree, the flowers, the sky, why the whole universe. This is the wonder of the force, for it permeates and penetrates all, and when we die we become part of this great mystery. We become one with the force"
"I like walking, especially in the gardens, and I have always wanted to travel and see new places."
He smiled in embarrassment for he knew to travel and see the world was not what it was to be a Jedi and he knew hoe naive it must sound. Yet Mei did not judge him and so he asked her a poignant question.
"What do you think we go on to when we die?'
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Ael Jade
The Jedi Order - Corellian Jedi Academy
Posts: 1,544
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Post by Ael Jade on Apr 28, 2014 13:23:28 GMT -8
Mei smiled. A change of scenery was often what Healers recommended in cases similar to the Chiss across from her. The current state of the universe was not really welcome to travel with abandon, but there were other options.
"Have you ever thought of visiting the other Academies?" she inquired with a smile. "You would be among allies and yet it would be a change of pace and scenery for you."
She took a drink of her sparkly fruit juice. "I could put in a recommendation for you, if you wish."
His other question was not so easily replied to. "Many wise masters have devoted their energies to providing an answer to that question, Athh'rackam'ronanor, but as far as I can see there is only one way to know for sure." And when deceased Jedi returned to this realm to offer counsel and guidance, they proved reluctant to discuss their current situations. "Different cultures deal with this in different ways...even different academies do other things. But, common consensus so far leads me to believe that some Jedi may choose to return for a time, to watch over their friends as guardians in a limited capacity."
Mei frowned. She felt disappointed in her own lack of ability to provide a definitive answer when one was being sought for. She wanted to comfort the male across the table from her, a feeling that surprised her as initially she had felt only a clinical professionalism towards him.
"I heard once that some Jedi either created or repurposed an old memorial stone on a world that had an indigenous population of Force sensitive luminescent moths---traditionally upon the death of a loved one, one would release a glowing moth in the vicinity of the memorial and it would join the constantly moving cloud that represented the lives of those no longer in this plane of existence." Mei's voice had taken on a wistful note. She'd read about it, but never seen it. The two holo-images had stayed with her though. "They called them 'memory moths.'"
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